at your 50th birthday party your friends give you 50 pieces of bacon, a recipe book with your picture on the cover and - yep - 50 recipes with bacon, AND they serenade you with "50 Ways to Eat Your Bacon" which, with apologies to Paul Simon, went like this:

"The problem is all inside your head," they said to me
The answer is easy if you take it logically
We'd like to help you in your quest for nitrate-free
There must be fifty ways to eat your bacon.
Fifty ways to eat your bacon.

Hop out of bed, Ned
Get on your robe, Job
Forget about beef, Leif
Just listen to me -
Walk to the shack, Zach
No need to discuss that
Fire up the grill, Bill
And leave it to me.

They said it's really not our habit to intrude
We hope our meaning won't be lost or misconstrued
But we'll repeat ourselves at the risk of being crude
There must be fifty ways to eat your bacon.
Fifty ways to eat your bacon.

Lay up the fat, Jack
Fry it in the pan, Stan
No need to be oy, Roy
Just get yourself free
Swallow the grease, Reese
Don't let it congeal, Neal
Just eat all you see, Lee
And let yourself be.
(repeat)

Ah, I am well and truly loved!